So how is life for the old in India. Here are few anecdotes from my personal experience in India, US and other places.
My aunt (my mother's sister) still maintains a "joint family" right in the middle of Hyderabad. She lives with her two sons, daughters-in-law, and grandchildren. There are occasional frictions but she and my uncle are respected and well taken care. They help their children financially, provide housing (house owned by the parents), baby sit their grandchildren, cook food, maintain the house. The sons in return share expenses, take care of their parents when they fall sick. This is a perfect arrangement. They belong to upper middle-class.
Few years back, when we were looking for a maid because ours left unexpectedly, we were introduced to an old lady. She told us that she left her son because he wasn't taking care of him (ill treating), could not get along with her daughter-in-law, and wanted to live alone and be independent. In spite of our skepticism, we took her. We showed her how to use dish washer, washing machine and the dryer to make her aware that there won't be any back breaking work washing cloths and dishes. On the contrary, the poor lady got scared and left the next day muttering that she would rather be ill treated by her son rather than learn how to use these gadgets.
My own maternal grandmother had four sons and two daughters. She was well do it in her hay days (when my grandfather was alive). She gave away her property to her children while she was healthy to avoid conflicts between the children. Big mistake. As soon as the sons (my uncles) realized there is nothing to get from her, none wanted to keep her with them. She eventually stayed most of the her later life with my aunt (see above) and my mother. Eventually when it became physically impossible to live at my aunt's place (because daughters-in-law started to come) she had to look for alternate housing. None of her son came forward to take care of her or even pay for her living expenses. Her grandchildren (me and rest of us) had to pool money to pay one of our uncles every month to take care of their mother. This continued till the day she died. Towards her end her sons did not pay for her hospital expenses. After she passed away, the youngest son, who is supposed to give a honorable cremation refused to allow his mother's dead body into his house. She was unceremoniously bundled way from the hospital to cremation ground and cremated.
My grandmother's sister story is a different one. She had two sons and after one passed away, the other son came back to take care of his mother and family of his deceased brother. Family problems creeped in soon, mother sued the son over property issues, relationship were completely broken. Today, she is 89 years old, lives alone. The widowed daughter-in-law and her children moved abroad. The remaining son in India keeps away from her. Hurt feelings go a long way. Recently she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She is battling it alone.
In my hometown of Tirupati, many maids come and go while working at my parents place. I chat with them to understand lives of the poor and the underprivileged. One such person was an old lady. She was abandoned by her son and so had to live on her own. The son just disappeared one fine day leaving his widowed mother all alone. It appears that he was just too poor to take care of her. I heard such stories of poor abandoning their wives, sons, parents all the time in India. Life is just way too difficult for somebody who makes $1/day.
I have many NRI friends that I met in India who returned to India primarily because one of their parent is gravely ill or too old to take care of themselves. They live with their parents and take care of them during their last days. I have two childhood friends from school and college who refused to go abroad not because they are not capable but because they wanted to stay closer to their parents. Both took care of their parents in their own house till the parents passed away. One of the friend's wife was supposed to have carried her mother-in-law around in her arms because the mother-in-law was paralyzed.
My aunt (my mother's sister) still maintains a "joint family" right in the middle of Hyderabad. She lives with her two sons, daughters-in-law, and grandchildren. There are occasional frictions but she and my uncle are respected and well taken care. They help their children financially, provide housing (house owned by the parents), baby sit their grandchildren, cook food, maintain the house. The sons in return share expenses, take care of their parents when they fall sick. This is a perfect arrangement. They belong to upper middle-class.
Few years back, when we were looking for a maid because ours left unexpectedly, we were introduced to an old lady. She told us that she left her son because he wasn't taking care of him (ill treating), could not get along with her daughter-in-law, and wanted to live alone and be independent. In spite of our skepticism, we took her. We showed her how to use dish washer, washing machine and the dryer to make her aware that there won't be any back breaking work washing cloths and dishes. On the contrary, the poor lady got scared and left the next day muttering that she would rather be ill treated by her son rather than learn how to use these gadgets.
My own maternal grandmother had four sons and two daughters. She was well do it in her hay days (when my grandfather was alive). She gave away her property to her children while she was healthy to avoid conflicts between the children. Big mistake. As soon as the sons (my uncles) realized there is nothing to get from her, none wanted to keep her with them. She eventually stayed most of the her later life with my aunt (see above) and my mother. Eventually when it became physically impossible to live at my aunt's place (because daughters-in-law started to come) she had to look for alternate housing. None of her son came forward to take care of her or even pay for her living expenses. Her grandchildren (me and rest of us) had to pool money to pay one of our uncles every month to take care of their mother. This continued till the day she died. Towards her end her sons did not pay for her hospital expenses. After she passed away, the youngest son, who is supposed to give a honorable cremation refused to allow his mother's dead body into his house. She was unceremoniously bundled way from the hospital to cremation ground and cremated.
My grandmother's sister story is a different one. She had two sons and after one passed away, the other son came back to take care of his mother and family of his deceased brother. Family problems creeped in soon, mother sued the son over property issues, relationship were completely broken. Today, she is 89 years old, lives alone. The widowed daughter-in-law and her children moved abroad. The remaining son in India keeps away from her. Hurt feelings go a long way. Recently she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She is battling it alone.
In my hometown of Tirupati, many maids come and go while working at my parents place. I chat with them to understand lives of the poor and the underprivileged. One such person was an old lady. She was abandoned by her son and so had to live on her own. The son just disappeared one fine day leaving his widowed mother all alone. It appears that he was just too poor to take care of her. I heard such stories of poor abandoning their wives, sons, parents all the time in India. Life is just way too difficult for somebody who makes $1/day.
I have many NRI friends that I met in India who returned to India primarily because one of their parent is gravely ill or too old to take care of themselves. They live with their parents and take care of them during their last days. I have two childhood friends from school and college who refused to go abroad not because they are not capable but because they wanted to stay closer to their parents. Both took care of their parents in their own house till the parents passed away. One of the friend's wife was supposed to have carried her mother-in-law around in her arms because the mother-in-law was paralyzed.
No comments:
Post a Comment